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| MARILYN FIDALGO HONORING HER LIFE AUGUST 23rd, 1937- MAY 6th, 2011 |
The hospital my Mom stayed in was called Essex County Hospital or Overbrook located in Newark, New Jersey. There, Electric Convulsive Shock Treatment was being done without proper precautions and it was being done way too much on patients. The hospital that my Mom was in, experimented with Insulin Shock Treatment which was done to help destroy a patient’s memory. This barbaric treatment was done to my Mom and her stories about the needles in her head, have since been found out to be accurate and confirmed by a psychiatrist years after I began a relationship with my Mom. According to what my Mom could remember, this Insulin Shock treatment was painful, frightening, abusive and done to her with tragic consequences. As a result of these treatments, my Mom could not remember important aspects of her life and she was forever in an anxious and stressful state trying to piece together parts of her memories. I was never sure if it was from the Insulin Shock Treatment or Electric Convulsive Shock Treatment and now, I will never know. Most of her hospital records were lost or mysteriously disappeared. The hospital now has been torn down. Essex County Hospital or ‘Overbrook’ is considered by most to be one of the wierdest hospitals in New Jersey. People would go to the hospital after it was abandoned and report that they saw ghosts there. Recently, my husband and I were searching on the computer for the archways I remembered in my childhood and found out about these extremely bizarre stories at the Essex County or also known as ‘Overbrook” Hosiptal when it was opened and after it closed. The confirmation of my own memories and curiousities that I have from childhood are something I could never look at while my Mom was alive. It’s only been since she passed away that I have found the strength and courage to look so closely into her past. Now, I can only think about how my Mom had to live this awful nightmare! I knew a lot about my Mom’s history, and that it was bad, however now I am learning just how bad it was for her This totally haunting and uncomfortable topic will be a post some where in the future.
Since my Mom was in the hospital, during my childhood and teenage years, I was unable to live with her. I hardly knew who she was and I knew very little about her. My siblings and myself were raised by a host of family members and some strangers along the way until I was seven and my Dad took us to live at my Grandmother’s house, where I lived the rest of my childhood. During this time, I only remember seeing my Mom approximately, 3 or 4 times until I was 16 years old. What I do have a clear memory about is that I was afraid of my Mom when I was a little girl. But I longed for a mother and I hoped and believed she was going to leave the hospital and come back to live with us in the new home my Dad had purchased. Unfortunately, my Dad remarried and that dream was gone. Tragically, 6 months after we moved into our new house, my Dad passed away at the age of 40. I was 14 years old and very confused. After my Dad’s painful passing, we moved back to Gram’s and I only saw my Mom once between the ages of 14 and 24 years old. It was not until I was 24 years old that I finally did see her again. She had been discharged from the hospital to live in a group home, but she was still very sick, since the medications were still horrendously toxic and they were not very humane. Drugs like Thorazine and Mellarill were the standard treatments for Mom’s illness, but they came at a cost. They had severe side effects and secondary disorders like Tardive Dyskinesa which can be a severe movement disorder. They made my Mom drugged out so much that she did not make any sense when she talked. But it wasn’t clear what was the result of all the drugs and what was the result of her illness? It was so painful for me to see her and experiencing the shock of how sick she was, that I left that visit so distraught and I could not emotionally see her again for 10 years.
It was not until I was 33 years old that I finally felt able to search again for my Mom. I found her again living in a boarding home in Newark, New Jersey. She had been in and out of the hospital since I first saw her, but this time I saw her, something was different. She was more lucid and could carry a conversation. She smiled if only for a few moments and she could make a funny or quirky joke. I found out that she had been put on a super new medication just released on the market, called Clozaril or Clozapine and this drug single handedly made a world of difference for her. She was nowhere near cured or fully functional, but she was a lot better. Things were looking up after my Mom, Marilyn spent more than half her life in an institution. This is where the next part of our journey begins.
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| MY MOM'S MEMORIAL AT HER REFLECTION GATHERING |
Now experiencing the pain, since my Mom passed away, it has been hard for me emotionally. I miss her terribly and I wish I had one more day with her, so I could say all the things I have wanted to say to her literally, all my life. Although, I was able to say some of what I needed to, I still wish I could tell her again, how much I loved her and how much she mattered to me. This is one of my wishes to begin this blog. I want it to be a place for me to write about my thoughts, feelings and memories I have about my Mom and to share stories with others. I have so many experiences about my Mom and my relationship with her, as well as the things she did, that I am busting at the seams. I want people to know who my Mom was and why she was here if for however, painful it was for her to survive. She had a purpose to come and go in my life and I will search to find the meaning and reasons. I also know there are a lot of people out there that have experienced similar things with their family members. These stories need to be told. We need to honor our loved ones that have become sick with different mental and neurological illnesses and we need to let people know they existed. We can’t let them fade in to the darkness because of shame or fear. We can’t again, lock them away. We need to let people know, they mattered. I know my Mom mattered and I believe she was an extraordinary woman. She suffered all her life and it was in silence. Even though she had a severe illness Schizophrenia, she never complained about the handicaps, obstacles and symptoms she suffered with. She never expressed the despair or sadness she felt, however, I could see it in her eyes. Up until her last days in the hospital with Liver Cancer, it was only the last 4 or 5 days before she passed away, that she mouthed the word “yes”, letting us know that she was in pain. My Mom never wanted to be a bother to anyone including me. She was honest, good, brilliantly smart , strong and she had the character that can be compared to the best of people I’ve ever known. She was my friend.
I want this blog to be for memories, reflections and feelings about my Mom and for experiencing the loss of her and how it has impacted my life to have first found her and then to loose her again. I want it to be a place for people to come to share their own stories of mental illness, love and loss. I will share the range of emotions and experiences I went through with my Mom as well as with her illness. Sometimes, it was hard for me and sometimes I wanted to give up, but I kept hanging in there and grew to develop this extraordinary bond of love and caring for my Mom. To most people, my Mom was a throw away patient. She didn’t matter to many people who came in contact with her, but she mattered to me and this is why I am beginning this blog. MY MOM MATTERS and your loved one matters, too. Share and let go of sadness and shame. Open your hearts to be free.
I Love You, Mom,
Loren
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