MY MOM'S PASSING TWO YEARS AGO TODAY MAY 6th

Today is a very sad day for me as I am grieving the loss of my Mom on her two year anniversary from her passing.  So many things have gone through my mind today as I remember the good things that we had done together when I would visit her or when she came to stay at my home.  I am also thinking about what I have learned over these past two years and reflecting to see if I have become a better person since the loss of my Mom.

Sometimes I have sad thoughts about regrets from when I lost my patience with something she did or when I felt distant and upset at something she said.  It was all stupid stuff and silly to get upset over and it makes me think now about the people I love and how not to sweat the small stuff.  I'm also learning to pick my battles and let things go that are not that important.  When I find myself being impatient or getting uptight, I think of my Mom and how I don't want to let time go by being upset at someone.  Not that I would stay upset with my Mom long since I would get upset and then it would pass in my mind but sometimes I would get upset when Mom pushed the shopping cart into a rack a of clothes and they would all fall over onto the floor.   So, so silly to get upset over, but I must confess that I did sometimes.

I am learning that life is so short and that we are not guaranteed any moment in time except the moment we think about the next moment.  Time seems to fly by as we get older and I don't want to miss a day of it.  Although I feel a lot of pain and sorrow loosing my Mom and my Gram last August, I take it. I take it because I realize the greater the love, the greater the pain from my loss of them.  I don't try to push my feelings away because I know they will only come out some other way, some other time.  I feel the feelings and I think and reflect. I might weep a small while but then I remember that I am grateful for having gotten to be able to know the strongest woman I have ever met.  I am grateful for the time we had to share together and how we grew to be so close.  I have learned that I love and I love deeply because of my Mom and I am still learning not to be afraid to love.

Last night I was uploading photos on to my computer and I was having a hard time getting them into a file.  So, for a reason I do not know why, I hit a button that said "slideshow'.  A photo popped up and then out of nowhere and from my computer speakers the song by Andrea Bocelli, "TIME TO SAY GOODBYE" began to play on my computer.  I was rendered still and silent as I listen to a song that I listen to so often in my car because it reminds me of my Mom and I feel close to her when I hear it. For a moment, I asked myself, "how did this get on my computer"? I played it at her funeral ceremony along with some other songs that she liked but how, why did it show up from a feature on my computer that I have never used before?  How this song got onto my computer I will never know?  How I was compelled to push that button 'slideshow' I will never know?  It is certainly, not a song that would have come with my computer.  I am baffled and I wonder if this is my Mom's presence appearing to me in a way that is meaningful and compelling?

I have learned that just when I think I've got this thing called "life' figured out, it throws me a curve.  While, I miss my mom terribly and I feel selfish to say that I want her back here with me, I am slightly, just slightly realizing that I have to let her go and I have to go on. Sometimes, I want to cry out "Momma, I miss you so much, Please come back" and then I realize that that is the smaller part of me longing for my Mother.  It is 'time to say goodbye' again on the anniversary of your passing.  I do miss you but I will move on through this sometimes sorrow filled life and become a better person because I loved you.

ALL MY MOM'S IMPORTANT STUFF AND LETTING GO

MY MOM'S SWEATER THAT SHE LOVED TO WEAR ALTHOUGH SHE LOVED
THE COLOR BLUE MORE THAN PINK

Last night I was going through my huge pile of clothes in my bedroom.  There were some big piles that needed to be put away for sometime now.  I've been telling myself I was going to do it everyday however I never get to it.  I never knew why I just let them sit out in my bedroom when they were taking up so much space and making the bedroom look so cluttered.

Last night I thought it was time for me to tackle the messed up piles of clothes and put them in their designated place in my drawers and closet.  As I put them in their piles on my bed I realized I was becoming more and more uncomfortable and wasn't sure why.  I thought it was partially because I was having to organize my clothes in different piles and this is always a challenge. Organization and myself do not make for good friends.  Well, after I had almost all the clothes put on the bed I came to realize what was underneath the piles of clothes was making me uncomfortable.  I sat on the bed and just starred at the bins that were filled with clothes.  I became frozen for a moment and then the sadness started to creep in.  All the memories I had about these clothes were starting to fill my eyes with tears and my mind with sorrow.  These clothes weren't my clothes but my Mom's.  They were folded nicely and filled up the bins to the top.  About 8 months ago I had washed all her clothes and put them in plastic bins.  I thought unrealistically, that I was going to keep all of them!  I couldn't part with any of them except for some that I gave to my sister. But I know now that this is not possible.

What I was hiding underneath my pile of clothes was my Mom's clothes and I didn't want to face the enormous emotional task of giving them away so I buried them with my clothes on top.  The thought of parting with her clothes is so emotional for me.  Each piece is like a treasured memory and a way of feeling closer to her and I didn't want to loose that so I put them in the bins and just let them sit there untouched.  I started taking some photos of them so I'd remember them always, however I realize now that the memories are not in the things but in my mind.  So, soon I will be parting with some of them.  I have to do it a little at a time to soften the impact it will have on me.  I know some people have trouble with this when they loose a loved one, so I understand that this is the normal grieving process but nevertheless, it is painful to do.  It feels as if I am parting with her piece by piece as each piece will leave my possession.  Realistically, I know that I can not keep all her clothes forever, so I am going to donate what I can, when I can.  I will keep a few things that really remind me of my Mom's spirit and charm.  I wanted to create some kind of quilt or blanket with some of her clothes, but I don't think I will be able to, so they will have to go at some point.  I am saddened by this whole process.

MOM'S SCRUB TOP.  SHE LOOKED LIKE A NURSE WHEN SHE WORE THIS.
SHE LOVED THIS TOP. TOO!

It's interesting how we humans want to save things for their sentimental value.  It's as if we are trying to stop time, freeze time so nothing changes.  Holding on to things is a way of feeling closer to someone and if they have passed away, that grip is even harder.  I have always been a collector of things.  I am somewhat of a pack rat and I save things that make me think of and feel the person who gave them to me.  The person and the things actually merge together and become one.  This is a biological trait of nesting and collecting that is deep in our DNA and then effected by our experiences and our environment.  When I was as little as two years old, I was a collector.  I carried a bag with handles and I would take things from the ground and put them in the bag.  I had chewing gum wrappers, chewed gum, dirt, leaves, paper, and things I can't even remember.  I carried a bag with handles, for most of my childhood.  During my teenage years, I was still collecting things in bags and filling them with stuff and storing them in my closet.  Eventually, I graduated to bins and containers to house my collection of art supplies, fabric and anything to make things out of.  Still to this day however, I love bags with handles and now that I can get them anywhere, I am thrilled!  I now call it on my other art blogs, 'My Bag of Tricks'.

I mention this story to illustrate how ingrained collecting, saving and memories are linked together.  This is why I have been saving my Mom's stuff.  It is a combination of grief, collecting, saving, connection, closeness, devotion, feeling her presence, honoring her and fear of letting her go.  I will begin to let go, however little I can.  I hope the memories of my Mom don't go with her belongings and that they stay deep in my heart and soul forever.  I will never get rid of those.  So follow along with me as I begin this journey to let each one of my Mom's things go to another place.  I will write about it as I experience it and for now that is the best I can do.

MY GRAM AND MY MOM

GRAM AND GRANDPA WHEN SHE WAS YOUNG.  WASN'T HE HANDSOME?  
HE WORE A SUIT EVERYDAY EVEN IF HE WAS NOT WORKING!

MY SWEET MOM ON HER WEDDING DAY AND BEFORE SHE BECAME ILL.
WASN"T SHE JUST LOVELY?

MY GRAM AND ME AT MY WEDDING.

It has been about one year since I have posted on my Mom's blog.  I've been in the process of grieving this loss and I have had a lot of trouble getting my thoughts clear and to be meaningful.  I have been struggling with a lot of sadness and sorrow and writing creatively has been a challenge.  Although I have been having trouble, I am ready to begin again and to try to make my way through the fog and haze that has been clouding my thoughts.

It has been a long year.  Sadly, on August 27th 2012  5 months ago,  my Gram, the woman who helped raise myself and my three siblings since I was seven, passed away at the age of 98.  I am heart broken and again I have been grieving the loss of my Gram so deeply.  I have been having so much of a struggle to put my thoughts into meaningful sentences, again.  This past year and a half has been filled with much sorrow and I have wondered when it will end.  I want to share some of my Gram's story since she was an amazing woman with great strength and enormous responsibility.  I have lost two woman who have given me life.  Two women who were the most important life defining people in my life since I was a young child.  One who became ill to no fault of her own, my Mom and one who stepped in to save my siblings and me from the ultimate fate, which was my Gram.  This story is about my Gram, me and my siblings.

MY MOM AT CHRISTMAS AT MY HOUSE OPENING GIFTS. SHE LOVED
TO WEAR HER COAT INSIDE THE HOUSE

GRAM WHEN SHE WAS ABOUT 15 YEARS OLD.  WASN'T SHE CUTE?

Gram was the rock in our family.  After my Mom became ill Gram stepped in to care for my younger brother when he was 8 months old after my Mom went into the hospital.  When she was discharged from the hospital, my brother went back to live with her until my Mom became sick again.  My Dad asked my Gram if she would take care of him again and she did.  My brother was 2 years old and severely malnourished. Since my Mom was so sick and unable to care for him properly he became ill.  Gram rushed him to the doctors and started feeding him again to fatten him up.   My Grandfather had just died and Gram had to raise him on her own along with her youngest son who was 7 years old. 

 When I was 7 my Dad virtually kidnapped us from our caretakers since we were not being taken care of properly by aunts and uncles and a foster woman ( don't know much about this). My Dad took us out to get some dessert ( so he said) and then drove us to my Gram's house to live with her, just like that.  My youngest brother was 5, I was 7, my sister was 8 1/2 and my oldest brother was 10 years old.  We all pilled into the one bed to sleep that night.  In the morning, I learned that I had a little brother Ken who was 5 years old! So Gram was now taking care of 5 children.  She was 51 years old.   If you want to read more about Gram and me click here and here and here.

My Gram had a hard time getting by but she did it everyday.  She had little money on her own.  She would cook meals for all of us 5 kids.   Sometimes in one pot.  We now call it 'The one pot wonder'.  She did all of our laundry everyday. At the same time she worked housecleaning and ironing for a woman in the neighborhood.  Gram did everything.  She painted the entire inside of the house on a ladder.  She was something.  She kept a very clean house and kept us clean.  She took us to football and cheerleading practice and picked us up in the cold weather when she had no heat in her car.  As my Gram would say, "she's the Pip!"  Well, Gram was the Pip even though I never knew exactly what a Pip was!

GRAM AND ME IN HER KITCHEN WHERE SHE LOVED TO BE AND TO COOK HER SCRUMPTIOUS MEALS

GRAM AND ME IN HER KITCHEN WITH HER BIRD IN THE BACKGROUND

My Dad worked excessively to help my Gram and to pay for my Mom's hospital bills which were enormous.  At the same time he was trying to have a house built for us.  He wanted us to be in a family and he could not wait to get into the house.  He traveled a lot for work and we would not see him often.  Even so, I was very, very close to my Dad.  He was everything to me.  He was my world.  My Dad would help me with my school projects and he loved art so much.  He was a toy designer for Kohinoor Bros. toys and anything that was creative, he loved.   He was determined to send me to art school when I was old enough.  Eventually, I did manage to go to college for Graphic Design.  He was so observant to see that I was talented at a young age and interested in art, just the way he was.   

MY AWESOME DAD.  WASN"T HE HANDSOME TOO?

       MY DAD, ME (in front), MY SISTER AND BROTHERS AND MY
        UNCLE RON.  WE WERE IN NIAGRA FALLS, OUR FIRST
        VACATION .  MY DAD WAS SO EXCITED BECAUSE
           HE THOUGHT WE WERE LIVING LIKE A NORMAL
         FAMILY.  IT'S ALL HE EVER WANTED FOR US.

When I was 13 my Dad bought the new home for us to live in.  He remarried six months after we lived in the new home and I was not so happy about it.  Six months after that, approx. 1 year later , my Dad tragically passed away at the age of 40.  He had a massive heart attack and passed away after going to a party that evening with my stepmom. I was devastated. You can imagine the chaos that was created and the enormous task of figuring out AGAIN who was going to take care of us.  Relatives wanted to split us up to different families, but Gram would not have it.  Not for a minute would she let us be separated again, so she said she wanted to take care of us again, all of us.  So for one year later after the sorrow filled loss of my Dad, we were back at Gram's again.

GRAM AND GRAND PA ( NOT SURE HOW OLD SHE WAS IN THIS PHOTO)

GRAM AND ME BEING SILLY WITH A THELMA AND LOUISE PHOTO

I'm telling this story (and there's so much more to tell) because I want to express the magnitude of what my Gram stepped into to do when no one else would.  If it would not of been for her, my siblings and I  would not be who we are today.  Possibly, we would have been separated and we would have barely seen each other, or even worse.  We could of wound up on drugs or drinking and maybe even worse than that.  I can only imagine what we would have been like today if it were not for Gram.

GRAM LET HER GREAT GREAT GRAND DAUGHTER FIXING UP HER HAIR
So, today, I am missing my Gram a lot.  I think of all she sacrificed of her life to take care of us.  I think of her funny expressions and quips and it is bitter sweet.  The only solace I have now is that I know she is with her husband and my Dad and Mom, as well as my uncle and my Gram's sisters and brothers and she is happy and joyful. When my brother asked her why she never had another husband, she replied," Of course not.  What do I say to my husband when I see him in heaven?'

One of the last things she spoke to me before she passed away was when she said "I'm going to miss all of you guys."  Well, Gram I miss you terribly.  I miss your touch and holding hands as we watched the cooks on the Food Network.  I miss your stories that you told so many times but I loved listening to them again and again.  I miss telling you I love you and you responding as you always did, "I love youuu... toooo?

GRAM IN HER KITCHEN WITH MY SISTER IN BACK, BROTHER AND MYSELF
I am in a grieving process presently and I have to say that it is tough.  Sorrow and sadness creep in when I least expect it to.  Memories are joyful and at the same time painful.  Not having the rock and matriarch in our family has been throwing me off base.  I have lost my footing and ground.  Writing has been so difficult because I can not think thoughtfully about what I' would like to write. I am missing my Gram and also missing my Mom and my Dad as well.  I feel as if I have lost my voice.  I realize totally that I am in mourning.  However, long it takes is how long it takes.  I can not rush it or try to force it to move in any specific direction.. It will be what it is.  For now, I will work hard to reclaim my writing and blogging about my Mom and my Gram.  I hope you stay tuned.

   Miss you and love you Mom and Gram

GRAM AND ME ABOUT 2 YEARS AGO