Sometimes I have sad thoughts about regrets from when I lost my patience with something she did or when I felt distant and upset at something she said. It was all stupid stuff and silly to get upset over and it makes me think now about the people I love and how not to sweat the small stuff. I'm also learning to pick my battles and let things go that are not that important. When I find myself being impatient or getting uptight, I think of my Mom and how I don't want to let time go by being upset at someone. Not that I would stay upset with my Mom long since I would get upset and then it would pass in my mind but sometimes I would get upset when Mom pushed the shopping cart into a rack a of clothes and they would all fall over onto the floor. So, so silly to get upset over, but I must confess that I did sometimes.
I am learning that life is so short and that we are not guaranteed any moment in time except the moment we think about the next moment. Time seems to fly by as we get older and I don't want to miss a day of it. Although I feel a lot of pain and sorrow loosing my Mom and my Gram last August, I take it. I take it because I realize the greater the love, the greater the pain from my loss of them. I don't try to push my feelings away because I know they will only come out some other way, some other time. I feel the feelings and I think and reflect. I might weep a small while but then I remember that I am grateful for having gotten to be able to know the strongest woman I have ever met. I am grateful for the time we had to share together and how we grew to be so close. I have learned that I love and I love deeply because of my Mom and I am still learning not to be afraid to love.
Last night I was uploading photos on to my computer and I was having a hard time getting them into a file. So, for a reason I do not know why, I hit a button that said "slideshow'. A photo popped up and then out of nowhere and from my computer speakers the song by Andrea Bocelli, "TIME TO SAY GOODBYE" began to play on my computer. I was rendered still and silent as I listen to a song that I listen to so often in my car because it reminds me of my Mom and I feel close to her when I hear it. For a moment, I asked myself, "how did this get on my computer"? I played it at her funeral ceremony along with some other songs that she liked but how, why did it show up from a feature on my computer that I have never used before? How this song got onto my computer I will never know? How I was compelled to push that button 'slideshow' I will never know? It is certainly, not a song that would have come with my computer. I am baffled and I wonder if this is my Mom's presence appearing to me in a way that is meaningful and compelling?
I have learned that just when I think I've got this thing called "life' figured out, it throws me a curve. While, I miss my mom terribly and I feel selfish to say that I want her back here with me, I am slightly, just slightly realizing that I have to let her go and I have to go on. Sometimes, I want to cry out "Momma, I miss you so much, Please come back" and then I realize that that is the smaller part of me longing for my Mother. It is 'time to say goodbye' again on the anniversary of your passing. I do miss you but I will move on through this sometimes sorrow filled life and become a better person because I loved you.
No comments:
Post a Comment