MY GRAM AND MY MOM

GRAM AND GRANDPA WHEN SHE WAS YOUNG.  WASN'T HE HANDSOME?  
HE WORE A SUIT EVERYDAY EVEN IF HE WAS NOT WORKING!

MY SWEET MOM ON HER WEDDING DAY AND BEFORE SHE BECAME ILL.
WASN"T SHE JUST LOVELY?

MY GRAM AND ME AT MY WEDDING.

It has been about one year since I have posted on my Mom's blog.  I've been in the process of grieving this loss and I have had a lot of trouble getting my thoughts clear and to be meaningful.  I have been struggling with a lot of sadness and sorrow and writing creatively has been a challenge.  Although I have been having trouble, I am ready to begin again and to try to make my way through the fog and haze that has been clouding my thoughts.

It has been a long year.  Sadly, on August 27th 2012  5 months ago,  my Gram, the woman who helped raise myself and my three siblings since I was seven, passed away at the age of 98.  I am heart broken and again I have been grieving the loss of my Gram so deeply.  I have been having so much of a struggle to put my thoughts into meaningful sentences, again.  This past year and a half has been filled with much sorrow and I have wondered when it will end.  I want to share some of my Gram's story since she was an amazing woman with great strength and enormous responsibility.  I have lost two woman who have given me life.  Two women who were the most important life defining people in my life since I was a young child.  One who became ill to no fault of her own, my Mom and one who stepped in to save my siblings and me from the ultimate fate, which was my Gram.  This story is about my Gram, me and my siblings.

MY MOM AT CHRISTMAS AT MY HOUSE OPENING GIFTS. SHE LOVED
TO WEAR HER COAT INSIDE THE HOUSE

GRAM WHEN SHE WAS ABOUT 15 YEARS OLD.  WASN'T SHE CUTE?

Gram was the rock in our family.  After my Mom became ill Gram stepped in to care for my younger brother when he was 8 months old after my Mom went into the hospital.  When she was discharged from the hospital, my brother went back to live with her until my Mom became sick again.  My Dad asked my Gram if she would take care of him again and she did.  My brother was 2 years old and severely malnourished. Since my Mom was so sick and unable to care for him properly he became ill.  Gram rushed him to the doctors and started feeding him again to fatten him up.   My Grandfather had just died and Gram had to raise him on her own along with her youngest son who was 7 years old. 

 When I was 7 my Dad virtually kidnapped us from our caretakers since we were not being taken care of properly by aunts and uncles and a foster woman ( don't know much about this). My Dad took us out to get some dessert ( so he said) and then drove us to my Gram's house to live with her, just like that.  My youngest brother was 5, I was 7, my sister was 8 1/2 and my oldest brother was 10 years old.  We all pilled into the one bed to sleep that night.  In the morning, I learned that I had a little brother Ken who was 5 years old! So Gram was now taking care of 5 children.  She was 51 years old.   If you want to read more about Gram and me click here and here and here.

My Gram had a hard time getting by but she did it everyday.  She had little money on her own.  She would cook meals for all of us 5 kids.   Sometimes in one pot.  We now call it 'The one pot wonder'.  She did all of our laundry everyday. At the same time she worked housecleaning and ironing for a woman in the neighborhood.  Gram did everything.  She painted the entire inside of the house on a ladder.  She was something.  She kept a very clean house and kept us clean.  She took us to football and cheerleading practice and picked us up in the cold weather when she had no heat in her car.  As my Gram would say, "she's the Pip!"  Well, Gram was the Pip even though I never knew exactly what a Pip was!

GRAM AND ME IN HER KITCHEN WHERE SHE LOVED TO BE AND TO COOK HER SCRUMPTIOUS MEALS

GRAM AND ME IN HER KITCHEN WITH HER BIRD IN THE BACKGROUND

My Dad worked excessively to help my Gram and to pay for my Mom's hospital bills which were enormous.  At the same time he was trying to have a house built for us.  He wanted us to be in a family and he could not wait to get into the house.  He traveled a lot for work and we would not see him often.  Even so, I was very, very close to my Dad.  He was everything to me.  He was my world.  My Dad would help me with my school projects and he loved art so much.  He was a toy designer for Kohinoor Bros. toys and anything that was creative, he loved.   He was determined to send me to art school when I was old enough.  Eventually, I did manage to go to college for Graphic Design.  He was so observant to see that I was talented at a young age and interested in art, just the way he was.   

MY AWESOME DAD.  WASN"T HE HANDSOME TOO?

       MY DAD, ME (in front), MY SISTER AND BROTHERS AND MY
        UNCLE RON.  WE WERE IN NIAGRA FALLS, OUR FIRST
        VACATION .  MY DAD WAS SO EXCITED BECAUSE
           HE THOUGHT WE WERE LIVING LIKE A NORMAL
         FAMILY.  IT'S ALL HE EVER WANTED FOR US.

When I was 13 my Dad bought the new home for us to live in.  He remarried six months after we lived in the new home and I was not so happy about it.  Six months after that, approx. 1 year later , my Dad tragically passed away at the age of 40.  He had a massive heart attack and passed away after going to a party that evening with my stepmom. I was devastated. You can imagine the chaos that was created and the enormous task of figuring out AGAIN who was going to take care of us.  Relatives wanted to split us up to different families, but Gram would not have it.  Not for a minute would she let us be separated again, so she said she wanted to take care of us again, all of us.  So for one year later after the sorrow filled loss of my Dad, we were back at Gram's again.

GRAM AND GRAND PA ( NOT SURE HOW OLD SHE WAS IN THIS PHOTO)

GRAM AND ME BEING SILLY WITH A THELMA AND LOUISE PHOTO

I'm telling this story (and there's so much more to tell) because I want to express the magnitude of what my Gram stepped into to do when no one else would.  If it would not of been for her, my siblings and I  would not be who we are today.  Possibly, we would have been separated and we would have barely seen each other, or even worse.  We could of wound up on drugs or drinking and maybe even worse than that.  I can only imagine what we would have been like today if it were not for Gram.

GRAM LET HER GREAT GREAT GRAND DAUGHTER FIXING UP HER HAIR
So, today, I am missing my Gram a lot.  I think of all she sacrificed of her life to take care of us.  I think of her funny expressions and quips and it is bitter sweet.  The only solace I have now is that I know she is with her husband and my Dad and Mom, as well as my uncle and my Gram's sisters and brothers and she is happy and joyful. When my brother asked her why she never had another husband, she replied," Of course not.  What do I say to my husband when I see him in heaven?'

One of the last things she spoke to me before she passed away was when she said "I'm going to miss all of you guys."  Well, Gram I miss you terribly.  I miss your touch and holding hands as we watched the cooks on the Food Network.  I miss your stories that you told so many times but I loved listening to them again and again.  I miss telling you I love you and you responding as you always did, "I love youuu... toooo?

GRAM IN HER KITCHEN WITH MY SISTER IN BACK, BROTHER AND MYSELF
I am in a grieving process presently and I have to say that it is tough.  Sorrow and sadness creep in when I least expect it to.  Memories are joyful and at the same time painful.  Not having the rock and matriarch in our family has been throwing me off base.  I have lost my footing and ground.  Writing has been so difficult because I can not think thoughtfully about what I' would like to write. I am missing my Gram and also missing my Mom and my Dad as well.  I feel as if I have lost my voice.  I realize totally that I am in mourning.  However, long it takes is how long it takes.  I can not rush it or try to force it to move in any specific direction.. It will be what it is.  For now, I will work hard to reclaim my writing and blogging about my Mom and my Gram.  I hope you stay tuned.

   Miss you and love you Mom and Gram

GRAM AND ME ABOUT 2 YEARS AGO